i am guilty. just now i talked to a soul about the things that happened around me during the holidays- minus my love life. somehow i still can't understand how people can be mean to each other as though they were born as enemies. everything turned bad as though nothing were good in the past. how drastic people can change over time. yes, it hurts to see this situation happening under our nose and whats worst is that we can't do anything about it. too many hearts to be taken care of, and too many people involved. in short, life can be ironic. but is it wrong for me to keep the relationships that i love, that i had known for a long time? yes, i am guilty. guilty of not trying hard enough to put the broken pieces back together. but, i had done my part and i am hoping for the others to help me too, i can't do this alone. life can be complicated. but i have the faith that everything has been written by the almighty, and who are we to deny what had been fated. in this situation, accepting it with an open heart is the best way. the more you deny it, the more foolish you will look.
-still hoping that the mixed colours would be clear, again-
warning! this post is completely full of imranisme, and you still have time to close this window tab and browse through something else on the web. thank you. oh, you, yes you imran, would have to read this.i know you would somehow ;) this post is written in one language just for you, since u always complained how i like to mix the languages.hee~
finally i met you! after a long week where time flew so slowly and the days were so boring and somehow my phone was so quiet that one week, i thought it had gone mute. one hard week. luckily budak was there to comfort me and accompany me while you were gone. thank you again for giving budak to me. =) as i told you, it might be 7 days for you but for me it had been at least 9500 suffering minutes for me. this too, minus 580 minutes when you texted me on wednesday when you came back from singapore, and thursday afternoon when you were leaving again for singapore; again. that too were only short messages and didn't last long.
the first time you went away, i told my heart to be patient, and it worked somehow. maybe it was because we had a proper goodbye the previous night when we talked on the phone, and we texted along your way to singapore while you were in the train. so, there was proper goodbye and proper reminders for the next two days. i was glad and i waited calmly for you to come home. when you came back that tuesday night and texted me, i literally jumped here and there around the house as i was so happy, and when you called me, it felt as though it was the first time you called and i was somehow speechless and you also noticed that, didn't you? *blush. i can't help it, i missed you so much and a day without your good morning, good night and i miss you messages just can't ease my heart. habits i guess. eventhough the line was terrible and we talked only for a while because your phone ran out of battery, i still can sleep well that night, hugging budak. =)
then the next day u woke up so late but i knew you were tired due to that long journey home. we talked on the phone again when i arrived at terengganu, and we talked for hours and surprisingly it felt like only 5 minutes! that night we discussed on something that i felt was important to be discussed at that time, and your responses made my day. thank you baby for making me happy and you managed to make me feel secured, like you always do, and the answers were the same everytime. =) thank you dear.. i really2 appreciate what you feel towards me. you know i mean that, it goes without saying.
then came along thursday. we said hye quite late, that was while you were on your way to singapore again with your family, and my family and i were on the way back to kuantan. our messages were short and seemed like there were nothing much to talk about, maybe it was because both of us were tired, sitting in the car for a long time, in a long journey. you arrived there around 7pm and you sent a goodbye message. i replied quite late but still i hope you will get it, i sent reminders for the coming 4 days. to make things worse, there were no delivery messages because the next days would be christmas and the line then was busy. at that point of time i really hoped that i could call you and say porper goodbye, but i guess luck was not on my side then. there was a mixture of feelings; frustrated, sad, lonely. indeed baby, that was what i felt.
next two days, which was saturday, i was so shocked to receive that good morning message from you, and my heart started to beat faster, hoping that you are home. when you told me you were having breakfast in johor and will be back on sunday, i told myself to be thankful. thank you again baby for making me happy that day. you know how much i missed you dear.
the day i waited for finally arrived, for all i know, it was already sunday. =) that late afternoon you told me that you were coming back, and i got all excited. thank god, you are coming home! *yeay. another long journey on the road, i prayed and prayed for you and your family's safety. i was really tired, and went to bed quite early. woke up at around 3am and missing you like crazy.
this morning i got all excited to see you after class, and seeing you after a long time really make my heart jump and beat faster and slower at the same time. yes, only you can make me feel that way. thank you thank you thank you. =) i had fun today. call me greedy, but somehow spending time with you today is still not enough to make up that 1 week i suffered without you. whatever feelings that i felt that 1 week, i'm sure you feel the same way too.
p/s: baby, thanks for letting me experience the kind of love that people freely die for. i know our relationship is still new, and god willing we'll try to keep this relationship the longest it can be okay? i love you.
yesterday night we went out for dinner. papa mama nina n myself. aiman tak ikut coz he was bz rearranging his room. yeah. haha. erm then suddenly nina asked me, "kak min balik tak minggu depan?kak anis balik, dia kata nak hantar adik pegi plkn 2 haribulan." pastu papa jawab, "tak payah balik lah, buat ape balik lagi, bukan boleh hantar dia pegi kem tu pun, anta kat station bas je kan..adik tu da besar, tau lah dia pegi sendiri." then entah kenape hati mcm tersentak sikit. a'ah la dia da nak pegi plkn. mcm2 benda main kat fikiran. then i said,"alaa boleh la pa..nak hantar dia.dia kan adik min, lagipun min mcm semangat skit pasal plkn plkn nih."-muka merayu sikit- =)
yes, somehow i refuse to believe that time had moved so fast. my younger siblings are growing older. deep inside my heart it has been really exciting because they are actually my friends.with the same parents, staying at the same house and can really connect and we 'adore' each other's mental illness.lol. =p
back to the subject. i find it quite hard to let adik go. adik has always been an adik to us, even nina pun calls him adik. but he never calls me kak min, semua org pun panngil saye min. in 2 weeks time he will leave the house, to the camp. so if i happen to come back home sometime in january to march, he won't be there. -erm sedih- mcm2 benda bermin kat fikiran:
- boleh ke dia survive kat sana? (over je, i pun survived takkan dia tak)
- reti ke dia basuh baju? (dulu sblm pegi pun saye ta reti basuh baju..takpe2, ade dobi kat sana)
- mesti dia selalu kena denda sbb malas kemas katil
- camne dia nak survive tak kacau nina sehari?
- nina mesti rindu gile kat dia
- rumah akan semakin empty, now that nina pun nak masuk standard 1. kesian mama.
- siape nak habiskan stok ice-cream kat rumah?
- dgn siape saye nak gaduh rebut chocolates nanti
- siape nak guna guest room kat rumah tu kalau bukan dia
- who would accompany me for hindustan movie marathon at night
- dgn siape dia nak share stuffs
- siape nak habiskan makanan kitorang kalau kitorang tak habis makan?
- siape nak ditampar oleh saye akibat terlalu annoyed bila dia bercakap dialek tganu+kelantan dan merosakkan bahasa.
- siape nak layan lawak2 bodoh kitorang
erm..-semakin sedih- even when he is not around, bile ada makanan tak habis je mesti teringat kat dia.huhu..whatever it is, i have to accept the fact that he is a big boy now and cannot forever be by our side. the same thing had happened to abg, me, and anis and now it is azri's time. good luck adik.
no matter how big you are,
no matter how taller you are than me,
no matter how annoyed i am with you at times,
no matter how big your feet is compared to mine,
no matter how mature you can be sometimes,
you will always be my baby brother.. (^_^)
p/s: eventhough we had said goodbye so many times before this, why is the last time to say it is somehow so important?
i just have to wait. its not easy, you know it..well, i hope you know it. these days emo mode je. and what we discussed yesterday night through all the messages, i really mean it.
to you, please la back off. you know i don't like it so sudah sudah la tu. i tak kacau you so please don't disturb my life anymore.
to kamu, thank you for being there for me when i needed someone so badly.thank you for taking the trouble to fetch me and that evening was priceless.
to awak, please make me change my mind.you know i love you.
mimpi tu mainan tidur. semua org pun cakap mcm tu. -mode pelik-
org kata kalau kita terlalu rindu kat someone, mesti akan somehow mimpikan dia. ni mungkin betul. tapi kan..mungkin bukan rindu saja, if terlalu think about someone pun perhaps can make u dream about that person. ini betul, ta tipu. *muka comel
here are some pelik/funny/illogical stories about dreams.
last two days i dreamt of encik fazil. encik fazil is a person whom i met masa debat astar last year, saye adelah AJK perhubungan luar yg mngendalikan all the registration peserta2..kirenye meng-ease kan all the procedures and what not lah. my bureau ni yg call up the universities and judges to take part in that debat. so kirenye i was among the firsts to talk to the participants lah so to say, and yang pergi get to know mereka (mungkin saye dlm biro ni sbb saye amat ppl's person) and due to tak cukup usherers, i had to become the usherer for team from UPM. yes, ade 4 org dalam team itu. ade fazil, fiza, badli dan biha (hehe saye masih ingat korang) =j tak sempat kenal sangat coz this team made their way to the finals so mmg saye tak ganggu diorg. encik fazil was born in 1988, sekarang 3rd year kat UPM, amik jurusan yg got to do with motivation.dia agak baik dgn saya, saye pernah cerita masalah kepada dia dan kitorang penah buat agreement supaya dia jadi therapist saye free of charge.hehe.lepas debat astar kami tak berjumpa, ade la sekali sekala msg dan chat kat ym.itu saja, kami berkawan. =) enough on the intro part. yes, saye mimpikan encik fazil. we were somewhere and i was so happy to see him. sempat tegur je, sbb tiba2 terbangun dari tidur. =) terus message dia, beritau. dan dia tanya bila pulak saye nak singgah dlm mimpi dia? nanti la encik fazil ye, sekarang ni saye sibuk cuba nak singgah dlm mimpi org lain. =) persoalannye, kenape fazil? saye takdela rindu mane kat dia pun.haha sorry. =p
semalam saye mimpikan cinta hati saya. awk pakai baju lacoste putih with that black stripes tu. u had that black adidas shoes on, but mcm pelik coz awk pakai ur watch on ur right hand, and coincidently i was wearing mine on my left hand. terbalik kan baby? pelik pelik. yeah, i was driving but he was nagging about how fast i drove padahal baru 80km/j. hmmph typical imran kan? =p then suddenly the scene tuka jadi kat genting -ok hindustan sgt ye di sini- dan it was so familiar like the time when we went there to celebrate ur birthday.hehe. oh sini takde persoalan because i have been missing him lebih2 lagi those 3 days tak contact itu kan. all the waiting drives me crazy but again, i originally am crazy pun so yeah, no fuss. =p bila terjaga, i realised i was smiling, terus text him and tarik comforter sampai muka. heh.
last time, i dreamt of shahrukh khan. *melts. weh ni mmg best weh, mimpi yg menarik. weh kwn2, shahrukh khan masuk dalam mimpi saya! =p hehe.... just some ordinary dreams, details agak kabur2 sikit.. anyway, bila bangun dari tido, cerita la kat mama and nina. anis takde, dia kat kelantan. lepas cerita, kitorang jealous sesama sendiri. ahha kelakar. ni kira balas dendam ah, coz last time mama mimpi sharukh khan and we were so so so histerically mad about that.haha! kids. di sini pun mcm ade persoalan, adekah mungkin kerana pada masa tu, sebelum tido saye movie marathon semua cerita yg shahrukh khan berlakon? mungkin juge. *smiles
ade jugak mimpi pasal exam.*yawn.bosan bosan bosan. selalu menakutkan je kalau mimpi pasal nih. result teruk and what not lah. when i wake up mesti mcm tersentak sikit pastu mula la risau pasal exam tu. and kadang2 ia jadi kenyataan. haahah benci betul lah! yang indah2 taknak pulak jadi betul eh? confirm mainan tidur. ni berlaku mmg sebab i was so worried about my result. ade sampai pukul 3 pagi pun takleh tido coz mcm risau sgt. kalau tido pun selalu je terjaga and yg menjadi mangsa di kaunter aduan adelah si boifee. figures kan. sorry baby. heh.
erm...dreams are indeed nice.enough said. somehow kalau saye nak mimpikan sesuatu, saye akan mimpikannye.pelik tapi benar.mungkin paksa myself to dream kot.haha.
encik, singgah la mimpi saye selalu.rindu won't go away.
tapi dalam banyak2 benda yang kita boleh patahkan, kenape kita pilih utk patahkan hati orang? kita selalu tak sedar kan ape yg kita buat..tapi selalunye selepas kita buat perkara tu, baru la kita sedar kesan perbuatan tu kat orang lain. dan sebagai kesan kepada kita pulak, rasa bersalah yang tak kurang sehinggalah kita mintak maaf. cuba baca semula..betul kan?
kadang-kadang kita cakap lebih cepat daripada kita berfikir, dan kita tak maksudkan pun ape yang kita cakap. tapi kita tak boleh anggap semua org tahu yg kita tak maksudkannye.. mungkin itula sebab kenape selalunye perbuatan kita tu tak sengaja. tapi ape2 pun takde siape yg boleh disalahkan kecuali diri kita sendiri. saya tak terkecuali. minta maaf ye kepada siapa2 yg terasa, mungkin perbuatan saye terhadap awk tu hanye tindak balas atas ape yg awk buat, tapi saya akan cuba bersabar pulak kali ini, janji kepada diri sendiri.
p/s: kadang-kadang kalau satu pihak je yang mencuba, pun tak guna jugak kan?
oh ye.kita boleh patahkan gigi jugak tapi tak praktikal lah, nanti gigi tak cukup. hee~
hey, try and take a look at the calendar. 2009 mind you, not 2010. today is already the 9th of December, meaning i have about 3 more weeks before the next semester begins. *heart pounding hard.
ade lagi yg belum dibuat..
assignment consti. *sigh
all rise and shout: yasmin, you can do it! (^_^)
p/s: sometimes i just need people to tell me that i can do it, u know..like semangat from others can sometimes make u feel stronger.heh.immature.
the last time i went fishing was when i was in standard 4 kalau tak silap. wah gile lama kan. the reason why i write this post yg takde kena mengena is due to kekagumanjust now when i played pet society, i went to the pond and guess what, saye pegi memancing.hehe. =) haha yg comel nye because i used colourful jellybeans as bait and surprisingly dan tak logik langsung because anneliese managed to get a big red goldfish ape ntah. and boleh pulak dapat clam with a pearl inside it.haha sumpah comel gile.
talking about fishing, i remembered that time when i went fishing with anis and papa, we had two fishing rods. one was purple and another one was pink. being a kid at that time (not that im younger than my sis) i insisted that the pink one was mine. ;p so i had possession of that pink fishing rod and would not let anis touch it, even get close to it. punyela tak mahu anis amik from me.haha. i wasn't ready to share with her (alah because up till now pun i share almost all my stuffs with her) and i assumed that she would be happy with the purple one. heh since we were kids, being a big sister i always have the hak to choose first.. contohnye kalau nak cop orang kalau tengok cerita flashman, kan ade 2 perempuan so i get to choose the pink one named lu and anis had to be satisfied with yellow which was named sara. sama jugak power rangers, saye tak benarkan dia suka kimberly yg pink because i like her so anis had to force herself to like the yellow power ranger, trini. and memang begitulah forever sampaikan i would be terasa gile when i was sick and stayed home one day when the rest of the family pegi shopping and anis bought a pink sweater. i didn't talk to her about 2 hari kots. haha kids. *gelak sendiri when fikirkan.
yeah, back to the bait. ade this one uncle came to us with a box. ade makanan ikan yg mcm small2 brown cubes kat dlm tu.hehe dgn banggenye saye pun letak la kat mata kail tuh. pastu tunjuk dgn bangganye my fishing rod yg sedia utk digunakan.hee~ *wink! tapi tetibe uncle tu gelak then semua org pun gelak. i felt pelik, kenape diorg gelak nih. then uncle tu cakap "sayang, ni mknn ikan, org tak letak kat mata kail!" haha ok mcm malu sikit ye at that time. pastu terus tersentap dan terus mcm merajuk takmau fishing sbb muka mcm da panas sikit kan. heh. tapi lepas dipujuk sikit ok terus. then uncle tu tunjuk umpan. eeeeiiiiwwww!!!! ia mcm ulat panjang2+kecacingan+kegelian+slimyslimy+eiiwwwy! i din touch that thing at all! since dulu i dun really like benda2 yg menjalar nih. papa pulak confident je.
then saye mula memancing.(padahal tolong campak mata kail tu je ok dan tak buat kerja2 mengotorkan tangan tuh..hee~) lama gile tunggu, saye kebosanan jadi telah bercakap non stop dan bising2. mungkin kerana menyampah, papa cakap "noor yasmin, kalau bising2 nanti ikan tak makan umpan, dia takut nak dekat."(maybe utk buat saye diam kotnye..huhu) and guess what, saye diam kejap pastu pergi jauh dari tempat tu dgn anis and buat bising kat tempat lain.hahah!!! *grin. then the rods gerak2 oh tau la ade ikan da kena umpan kan. then pull back the rod then dapat ikan comel. papa kata ikan kerapu, tapi anak je. next about berape lama tah lepas tu pulak rod bergerak lagik tapi kali ni bila angkat pancing, kitorang gelak sungguh2! ade ketam yg terbelit kat tali tangsi fishing rod tuh.haha nasib kamu la wahai ketam, pancing tu bukan utk ketam.hahahah. =p then lepas asar camtu semua org pun da stop fishing and nak balik. 'hasil tangkapan' tu we gave to the uncles and aunties yg ada kat situ jugak coz actually its not about the catch yg kitorang concern kan, just the excitement utk memancing. (^_^)
hmm..those days memang best.tatau bile lagi we'll get the opportunity to go fishing. ape2 pun, i can proudly say. saye PERNAH memancing.teeheee~~~ =D
p/s: dulu masa sekolah ade belajar kan... memancing ikan. mencandat sotong. ketam ape eh? menangkap eh? hahaha kalau cikgu bm baca post ni mesti dia menyesal kasi markah tinggi masa skola dulu.heh. =)
hari ini saye buat decision yg agak penting berkenaan facebook. facebook for me is a network yg mana we share about ourselves dgn kwn2 kita. our info.. perkembangan kita.. our pictures... so kalau mmg tak bercommunicate langsung, org anta wall pun ta reply, org try chat pun ta balas, mcm tak berkawan langsung. kalau satu fac, jumpe hari2 takpe lah.. ini, duduk negeri lain blaja uni lain, blaja subjek lain, tapi tak jugak reti2 nak keep in touch. i dont invite stalkers. so, daripada terus terusan kawan pada nama je, saye da buat keputusan utk mendelete org2 yg tak berkawan pun sebenarnye dgn saye. maybe awk tak delete saye sebab nak act saint, taknak delete org. tapi i'd rather do something about it daripada jadi a hipokrit. sorry, so not me. keputusan ni susah, sebab mcm tak baik kan, saye ni pulak sangat lah menjaga hati org. tapi. its something that i have to do, it is the best option that i have. so kalau kamu2 da bersedia nak keep in touch semula, add lah saye, tentu saye akan approve.. =) sekian, terima kasih.
p/s: pagi tadi melle message saye, dia kata dia mimpi saye, maybe kerinduan. aww saye rindu kamu juge wahai rakan yg mcm saye. melle ini kalau nak tahu, adelah seorang kanak2 perempuan yg serupa sedikit mcm saye because dia suka cakap perkataan penuh dan skema at certain times. saye bangga kerana ade org yg begitu.hee~~ tapi tapi tapi...kalau kerinduan dan message tapi tak delivered, macam mane eh? huhu cepat la balik wahai budak gile..
dah 2 hari tak dapat contact imran. i sent messages to him everyday eventhough tak delivered. ntah la, maybe nanti bile da ade line he will receive all the messages that i sent to him. susah lah mcm ni. nanti he's leaving to singapore for study trip pulak and lagilah, mahal mcm ape kalau nak contact. again. i will be left. haih. banyak betul dugaan.
oh last friday kami pergi kL, because ade cousin's wedding kat cheras. nothing much to be done there though. ade la meet some auntis and uncles from my mum's side..sepupu2 mama...i mean, the bride is not a very close cousin, i barely know that abg dia and kakak dia da ade seorang anak.heh. awkward sikit di situ. not that attached i guess.heh.
nur farisha dania dah 8 bulan, dia da kenal org so mcm susah sikit nak amik and play with her. dia pandang2 but when nak amik dia nangis. heh agak tercabar di situ ye coz mmg jarang lah saye tak dapat tackle babies nih. so i tried again, a softer approach. umpan dengan roti..then agah agah skit, then slowly pegi dekat dia. then dia start sentuh2 so i guessed dia da a bit warmed up lah kan. then saye pun amik la dia from her mum, kak emma. yes, dapat jugak dukung dia, walaupun kejap. yelah mama kata budak2 ni bile da kenal org, kena warm up dulu then baru dia akan build the trust and allow ppl to dukung. =) then bile ayah dia, abg fadzil balik from work terus dania merengek nak kat ayah dia.infants.haha.
after the wedding kami pergi ke KLIA to send anis off, back to kelantan. then my stomach buat hal lagi.haih tak boleh tahan lah. went to the washroom banyak kali, just like last time. suddenly i remembered the last time it happened, where imran macam marah sikit coz tak makan so i ate lah sikit kan. i cant. it all came out lagi.teruk betul rasanye.then balik rumah coz i thought, da makan panadol everything will be fine. tido kejap..
Yesterday night we went to plaza damas, aji don for dinner. its been a while tak pegi sane because semua org pun mcm sibuk. then..sampai sana, the first person that we searched for was ANTON! tapi..tapi...he is nowhere to be found. yg nampak hanye AZIZ je.hmm.kecewa jap.takpelah, maybe beliau cuti.hehe. then..nak order air kan, tiba2 dgn gembiranya ANTON keluar from the back and smiled at us because we looked so happy to see him. as usual, he was efficient lah.hahaha.kelakar sgt. ape2 pun kami mahu kamu layan kami, anton.hehe. =p
sent papa to grand seasons hotel coz he is leaving to bandung today, early morning. then papa suruh pegi jumpe doctor lagi so we went. guess what. saye ade gastrik. mcm kelakar coz i dont know ape gastrik tu. yg penting, is sangat tak best. so bile balik rumah tu saye kena pakse mkn ubat yg tak sedap. and mama berleter pasal makan on time blablabla... nampaknye lepas ni kena buat jadual utk makan. -gelak dlm hati-
iye encik imran dijadualkan balik tomorrow. can't wait to hear from you. =) (kalau handphone pun dia tak tgk, apetah lagi blog ni..ape2 pun u can't say i didn't try.haha..)
